Rating different types of yogurt

Go to any nearest supermarket, take a sharp right turn to the dairy aisle, and there you’ll find the ordinary. Perhaps it’s traditional low fat cottage cheese, or pre-boiled eggs; however, voyage further past the I can’t believe it’s not butter and Amaretto 64 oz coffee mate creamer, and you’ll find it in all of its glory, the prioritized staple you labeled with DON’T FORGET in parenthesis on your grocery list. There you stood, taking in the scenery of the surplus of America’s favorite gut enhancer: yogurt. 

In the extensive and knowledgeable field of yogurt, people rarely question its boundaries due to feeling uneasy with anything that limits their wits. Here are my observations and analogies to help you find something suitable for your tastes. So go ahead and tell your wife there’s no need to make dinner because you’re bringing home Michelin stars, not any ordinary takeout. 

1. Whole Milk Yogurt: ⅗ Lactose Intolerants swear by this classic. Its smooth and thick texture can’t compete among the others. It is the uncanny resemblance of having the class candidates running for president in elementary school, viewing through a concordat to implement better school lunch. As a result, this drives the children with hunger for revolution, to anticipate a coup d’etat. However, months after they were deceived into a false narrative and continue to rely on hamburgers that look like budget science experiments doused with vaseline-like mayo for sustenance. It brings hope, but even if it disappoints you, you still give it credit anyway. Therefore, finding a perfect batch of whole fat yogurt is as rare as finding a skater wearing a baseball hat the right way. 
2. Greek Yogurt: Creamy and rich. It is the most common form of yogurt due to mass production and capitalist marketing. If you want to splurge on your daily protein intake and feel healthy despite ingurgitating 29 grams of sugar before going to the gym to hula hoop in Planet Fitness, this may be the perfect yogurt for you. However, the probiotic culture liquid that pools on top of the solidified milk are a chore to stir. It is like changing the diaper of a toddler that doesn’t share your last name. Consuming this bacterially infected milk is like attending a baby shower you never received a Hallmark invitation to, but your main objective is to have fun. Though your definition of fun is implementing toothbrush bristles into the candy-filled piñata. You won’t back down without fulfilling your objective because you will always be reminded of it, like a quest notification in an RPG game. 
3. Unsweetened Yogurt: 2.3/5 Tastes like what a business engineering intern made when he was handed a glue gun during an office meeting regarding the company’s annual statistics. It’s like a pair of briefs that lives in the lost and found that the owner has given up searching for. 
4. Danimals/Gogurt/Trix Yogurt: 11/5 If you haven’t lived through the era of gogurt commercials, you haven’t lived enough to gain the right to pronounce your first name. These yogurts are a hearty meal that brings the nostalgia of watching rubber band documentaries for wisdom as a child. Eating this yogurt gives you the privilege of having the title as a “90’s baby” despite having the internet casually showcase your childhood on the internet and knowing fully well that as the generations continue to flourish, you will be encountering the childhoods of many more that are yet to come. This has led you to be emotionally hostage by associating your identity with your birthday. Horoscopes and birth years are meaningless. Just because you’re a Gemini doesn’t make you any better than Sagittarius. Stop relying on star signs to narrate your present and future. You are only a background character. Let it go. 
5. Frozen Yogurt: 5/5 Deity Tier. The leading staple in the Food Pyramid and the primary producer in a Food Chain full of apex consumers. It is one of the best inventions mankind has manually developed alongside fire and bread. It deserves its own exhibit in the Louvre and its own collaboration episode with Rachel Ray. This yogurt is the exact representation of walking on the sidewalk and picking up a coin thinking it’s a nickel, but it turns out to be a quarter. 

Perhaps you inherited a gene that prevents you from enjoying yogurt, but no one can ever deny the influence yogurt has on an international basis, regularly diffusing itself into different cultures, creating substance from within.