CUPERTINO, CALIFORNIA – Seeking to capitalize on the global panic caused by COVID-19, Apple Inc. recently released a limited edition version of its popular wireless earbuds. The new line of AirPods, fittingly dubbed “MaskPods,” features tiny surgical masks to protect the earbuds from airborne particles.

“MaskPods are great for travel, vacation, and sitting in a crowded study hall full of hand-coughers,” said Diamond Cruz, a spokeswoman for Apple based approximately ten miles off of the California coast (she would not elaborate when asked in which direction). 

“We’re marketing this product towards teenagers to take advantage of their paranoia and materialism – wait, why does this say ‘classified’?” Cruz commented, shuffling through her notes. When pressed further, she declined to comment, stating only that she was “leaving immediately to self-quarantine.”

MaskPods are equipped with several pandemic-inspired safety features, including a Lysol dispenser that automatically activates upon hearing a cough and a sensor that emits an electric shock when the wearer touches his or her face. Apple is also set to fast-track development of its CoronaPhone, a device that spontaneously combusts upon contact with germs to alert the user. Development had previously been delayed after testing on the New York City subway; after touching a pole, the CoronaPhone accidentally melted, leaving bewildered engineers with the error message “THREAT LEVEL: CHERNOBYL.”

An anonymous student at North Penn High School – and self-described germaphobe – stated that he would “one-hundred percent” recommend MaskPods.

“I love how [MaskPods] order a hazmat suit every time someone sneezes! I don’t even have to press a button. Wearing them is almost as fun as washing my hands,” he said enthusiastically.

It remains to be seen whether an Apple (product) a day can, indeed, keep the doctor away.