He monitors young children, watching them from the corner of the room with unblinking eyes and a tight-lipped smile. His position doesn’t change at all during the day, but every night he goes on a journey halfway across the world, reporting on the behavior of the children he has been observing all day. The next day, he reappears in a different place and position in the house of the children he is “scouting.” And when the kids finally find this red-clothed stalker who is witnessing their every move, they… smile and laugh?

This holiday season, thousands of families will welcome the Elf on the Shelf into their holly-decked homes. Created in 2004 by a mother and her two daughters, this small doll and a picture book detailing the story of the elf sell for $30. The accompanying book explains how Santa sends out “scout elves” to help him monitor children’s behavior during what is understandably a very busy time of the year at the North Pole. Every morning, these elves return from giving their report and get into some form of clever mischief or fun at the home of their adopted family.

Kids love looking for their elf every morning. Parents love finding creative new situations for the elves to get into (sorry kids, but your parents move your elf every night. And as for Santa himself… well, I’ll tell you that when you’re older.) What kind of Christmas-hating Scrooge could possibly hate this fun little tradition?

As it turns out, there are a lot of reasons to hate the Elf on the Shelf.

Some of them are only skin (or porcelain, or plastic, or fabric, or… what is this thing made of, anyway?) deep. The eyes are permanently looking off at some point to the right, like the elf is always watching something, someone, even though you might not always be able to tell exactly what he’s looking at. And the eyelashes are painted on only the left side of the eye, which isn’t really creepy as much as it is annoying.

The elf also has huge dimples, which must have been designed with cuteness in mind but just look like miniature under ripe tomatoes. And don’t even get me started on the completely disproportionate length of the elf’s arms and legs in relation to its head. Do young children really need another unrealistic body image to look up to?

But it’s incredibly shallow to write the Elf on the Shelf off as creepy based on appearances alone. So let me explain why everything the elf stands for is just as creepy as the elf itself.

According to the story of the elf (which you know is true because it’s sold in the same package as the official elf), the elf is always watching over you. Always. As if having Santa seeing you when you’re sleeping and knowing when you’re awake isn’t disturbing enough, this thing in the corner of your living room is helping the jolly old man out. I know Santa is getting old, but I still have complete faith in his ability to accurately maintain his naughty and nice list without the help of an overpriced doll.

While some parents rave that the elf is “as much fun for grown-ups as it is for the munchkins!” (as one overenthusiastic internet commenter did), finding new adventures for your elf on a nightly basis can be stressful. Luckily, busy parents can rely on the internet for inspiration.

A quick Google search for “Elf on the Shelf ideas” returns some suggestions that are just downright frightening. There’s the elf popping out of Captain Crunch’s face on a cereal box! There’s the elf hanging from a ceiling fan! There’s the elf holding a (miniature) baseball bat! There’s the elf trapped in a jar! Can’t wait to watch you all day, Johnny! This isn’t creepy at all!

And while the threat of a bad elf report (oh, the horror) may keep children in check during the Christmas season, what happens after the holidays are over, the presents received, the elf packed up again until next year? I guess kids are free to misbehave again, now that their cute little stalker elf isn’t watching. Unless parents want to personally go up to the North Pole and tell Santa themselves. If you don’t knock it off, kids, I’m turning this sleigh around.

In the end, some argue, this cute little elf is just a fun tradition for families to enjoy together. That’s true. As creepy, overpriced, and overtly capitalistic this product may be, it does bring joy to kids and give families something to share during the holiday season.

There’s even a version for Jewish families, the Mensch on a Bench (oh, how I wish I were making this up). Created as a response to the “elf envy” some Jewish families were feeling, this Mensch follows the same hide-and-seek model as the Elf. It also follows the same “terrifying-looking toy” design. In the Mensch’s left hand, he holds a candle in much the same way you would hold a weapon before you attack somebody with it. That’s enough to give people of all ages nightmares for eight nights.

For all of the creepiness, though, I must admit that the Elf on the Shelf and the Mensch on a Bench are nothing more than fun, innocent ways to spread the joy of the season.

And a faint sense of paranoia.