Forgive me for being a little late on my weekly advice, North Penn, but seeing as how most of my suggestions are just for the giggles, I figured none of you would be solely relying on my nuggets of wisdom. But, for those of you, like me, who have chosen to flirt with danger and leave all of your prom preparations until this week, do I have the article for you!

The gist of it is this: senior prom, in case any of you got stuck under a rock on your way to school, (because they have a tendency to fall on whichever hapless soul is passing by, particularly the guys, I’m hearing? Go figure.) is happening this Saturday. Not next Saturday, not two Saturdays from now, though next year’s Saturday for some of you I suppose; I’m talking about this very Saturday. As in four days from now. As in due dates are a lot closer than they appear, especially when you have four days to complete a month’s worth of planning. Godspeed, friends…

As if I would leave you without a survival guide first! I’m not completely heartless, it’s just the top left chamber that’s missing, which I hear dictates sense of compassion and we all know that’s not important in the slightest. With nothing really better to do with my Monday night, I’ve prepared a crash course in prom preparation that will ensure, at the very least, you all arrive and are clothed. Since most fine establishments firmly abide by the “no shirt, no shoes, no service rule, I’m fully confident in my ability to deliver the recipe for a functional prom night. Fun is subjective, so if you want that too, it costs extra like guac and sprinkles. Keep in mind, though, that some things are worth the extra fifty cents.

Before any of you can go anywhere, you’re going to need a dress and/or a tux in order to be allowed within a ten foot radius of Drexelbrook. Most of the dresses have already been claimed on the Facebook page, so really if you’ve waited until this week to pick out your dress, process of elimination has just made this whole endeavor easier. There’s no real style that’s “in” right now because a piece of fabric missing the rest of the dress doesn’t count for style points. And guys, whether or not you think you’re the bowtie and suspender type or vest and tie, just own it with a little confidence. Same goes for the ladies. Even if everyone showed up in shapely trash bags, I can’t say we’d have the best dressed class, but at least we’d have the most ambitious. (Or most lazy… depends on your point of view from inside the trash bag.)

If you dress a mouse to the nines, he’s going to want some nifty transportation of course, as being all dressed up with no place to go is no way to spend one’s Saturday night. I hear on one specific Knight Crier poll the most popular method for prom travel is horse and buggy, and, seeing as how I am a lover of Amish culture, I’ll be sure to leave a note with the township to warn other drivers to watch for potential horse sightings on the turnpike. Competing with horse and buggy are the kids who are driving themselves, which I can respect. But I use the term kids for a reason – we’re all young and definitely not invincible. If you’re driving, please be mindful of your surroundings! Who knows what horse puns will haunt you in the papers the following day if you rear-end a buggy. Just because it’s a North Penn prom doesn’t mean you have to drive like it’s the North Penn parking lot.

I guess the most important factor in all of this is cost. If you found yourself promising your firstborn child to the department store sales lady, you’ve probably spent a little too much. My prom dress was free; I got it from this cute little boutique called My Cousin’s Closet, and it fits perfectly. For the most part. I think. I’m still working on that part… The only really killer expense was the prom tickets themselves, not that I technically paid for those, anyway. All I did for that was lose the receipt… But in other news, it’s hard to put a price on the memories you make with your friends. I know we have reflections and class night and all of that, but this is the last chance you’ll have to see familiar, and even new, faces dressed up and partying on. I won’t catch all of you this Saturday, North Penn, but I’ll take a decent nine hundred until next week.