Dear Knights,

Oops, wrong column.

Welcome to the new and improved Kee’s Korner! As ardent KC readers know, our beloved Kathryn Diane Knab has set sail in search of our long lost staff member Taylor Young. While it is truly a shame that we lost such a talented writer, the show must go on. Hence, the reason why yours truly will be taking over this little Korner. The selection process for the successor was not challenging, to be honest. Considering the only other member in the Knight Crier with the first name that starts with K is Mr. Kevin J. Manero, and we all know he can not make any weekly non-baseball related commitment during this time of the year, I was chosen more by default.

So to distinguish Kee’s Korner from Kate’s Korner, I will be making a few changes. From now on, the Korner will be published on Friday, not Tuesday. Another significant change is that this will now be an annual, not weekly upload. Sorry to disappoint all those that were looking forward to this new change in the most popular section of the Knight Crier (and I know there are not that many), but taking over this column meant restructuring my contract with the KC, and I have taken a full advantage of it. My new contract now allows me to bypass the weekly responsibility of writing a column, as well as many other golden rules in the class, such as the infamous “C is Average” rule and “Staff Meeting Responsibility.” However, I will keep some of the fan-favorite elements of Kate’s Korner, such as writing the article a day before it’s due, giving Mr. and Mrs. Krane multiple shoutouts, and extreme amount of sarcasm and sassiness.

One trend I did notice is Kate’s curious obsession on writing about holidays, from Christmas, Halloween, and St. Patty’s Day to MLK Day, Black Friday, and Groundhog’s Day (no, seriously, she dedicated an entire Korner on each of these holidays. Go back and check the archives). With the April Fool’s Day right around the corner, I thought “hey, why not take an easy out for my first installation of Kee’s Korner?”

Every year, when I turn my calendar from March to April, I can not help but notice the little description under the number “1” on April – April Fool’s Day. It’s truly a wonderful time of the year, where everyone is so hilarious and funny. There is nothing I enjoy more than finding rubber spiders or rats in the D-Pod hallway, or even better, watching a crowd of people stopp the traffic in E-Pod clog because of these supposed “pranks” that will “shock the nation.” God, sometimes I feel like we are back in elementary school. These pranks are almost as creative as Senior Pranks, which are comparable to the circus that is current Republican presidential race.

North Penn, I understand the urge to partake in this odd social rally, but at least make it worthwhile. No, putting vaseline on the door handle is not funny, and I hope your victim smears it all over your face. If you are seriously thinking about putting whoopie cushions all over your house like Charlie Chaplin setting boobie traps, you may need some counseling from a children’s psychiatrist. However, if you ever get someone to look down at their shoes after telling them that their shoes are untied, go give yourself a pat on a back, because it must have been truly difficult to find someone that naive and dumb enough to fall for perhaps the lamest April Fool’s joke.

“But Kee!” You all cry out anxiously “do you not have a heart to enjoy a good ol’ fashioned shenanigans with your buddies?” No, I do not. But considering my excellent sense of crude, dry wit and bucketful of sassiness, I am more than willing to be generous enough to perhaps turn a dreadful, meaningless holiday into something more…. special.

First, a good prank needs to generate some kind of strong emotions, and it does not have to be something so crazy and out of the world. Trust me. You will be surprised what kind of emotion a bowl mixed of skittles, M&M, and Reese’s will generate. Start by putting some baby powder in your mom’s hair dryer or set a secret passcode on your dad’s phone before he goes to work or ruin the ending of Superman vs. Batman for your little brother or take nine inches off of your sister’s hair while she’s asleep. Will they get mad? You betcha. But honestly, will nine inches really get your sister heated enough to get you back? I’m sure she’ll just laugh it off.

If you are insisting that you make some noise in school, don’t worry, I’ve got plans for you. Like I mentioned before, rubber animals of any sort do not amuse me or anyone. If you want to create an havoc in the hallways, may I suggest baby oil? Do you have many unwanted, extra Christmas trees? Let’s be honest, you probably are too lazy to take it down. How about starting Christmas early and planting any pine trees you can find on the school yard? Want to get out of PE? Just go get yourself a cast and a crutch. Not only will it get you out of sophomore swimming, but also perhaps a nice seat on the bus ride home.

Perhaps the best pranks are the ones that can convince other people that something significant has happened to either yourself or someone else. No, posting on your Facebook page that you’re pregnant or convincing your poor parents that they won the lottery are not funny, but distasteful. You need to find a middle ground between childish and satanic. Something like, I don’t know, fake promposal. It’s timely and very, very effective. Do it in front of the entire school, or on the morning show, only to tell them that it’s all just a plot! Ha-ha! The look on their face is absolutely priceless. Better yet, have people document each and every moment and post it on social media. I’m sure everyone one find it absolutely hilarious.

However, the most terrifying pranks of them all are done by the parents. In the age where social images are everything, for a parent to PUBLICALLY shame or embarrass a child could not only be detrimental to their social health, but also to mental and physical health. Imagine your dad waking you up out of nowhere and saying that you’re late to school, so you rush to dress and eat before hopping on the back of his car, falling asleep immediately, only to realize and it’s Sunday and your dad is already on his way home after dropping you off. He’s not answering your call. He’s probably too busy laughing his way back home. The point is, dads can be cruel, ok!?

So there you have it. Your own guide to survive this “holiday.” Sure, you can have your share of fun, but make sure it’s actually funny, not silly or cruel. You don’t want to lose any more friends at this point after three years of high school. See you next year, North Penn!