The time has now come to venture out of holiday hibernation and into crowded stores to find not just any gift, but the perfect gift. Of course, so follows the question of what constitutes the “perfect” gift. In an effort to stick it to the (snow)man, and, as part of holiday giving, I’ve decided to offer up my two cents on gift shopping. The advice may be worth about two cents as well, but I’m a fan of poetic parallelism.

It’s important to know exactly for whom you’re buying a present because they’ll spend the rest of winter break analyzing just what this gift means in terms of your relationship. Everyone knows that it’s the hardest to buy gifts for the people you’re closest to, so really, if you just bought small somethings for the people you hate, whoever didn’t get a present ought to be extremely touched that you didn’t think of them. Clearly you know your friends and family so well that to get them a physical object of your sentiments would only cheapen your feelings. Why waste money on expensive jewelry and new cell phones when emotions are practically priceless? (I hear friendship can be bought depending on the number of zeroes, but that’s probably why I have none.)  Love cannot be bought!

However, if you’re still swayed by popular opinion and wish to get the significant people in your life something special, I can respect that. Perhaps you’ve been forced into a class Secret Santa with people you know nothing about. That’s… tough. But now that you’re committed, it’s time to pick out a present. Luckily for all of you, North Penn, there’s three ways to go about this:

1. Handmade gifts – Creativity is a product of the head and heart, so not only have you thought about the present, but you put a lot of love into creating it. (Except for chocolate chip cookies – then the secret ingredient is always hatred. Where Reese’s would argue chocolate and peanut butter is a match made in heaven, I’d have to say it’s really chocolate and any form of loathing.) Anything drawn, baked, knitted, or artfully glued allows the giver to show off their skills and the recipient to be pleasantly surprised by such a thoughtful gift. But as with any art project, if you’re not an artist, please do not attempt. Despite what you may believe, Santa hats really don’t make stick figures that more sophisticated.

2. Passive Aggressive gifts – We’re all familiar with passive aggressive post-it notes left by self-conscious roommates and irritated siblings. But ‘tis the season of kindness and generosity, so it’s time to put the post-it notes on your own Christmas list and up your game. That person who parked in between two spaces in the packed lot at the mall on Christmas Eve? Whip out your chalk and gift them with their very own chalked in guidelines. “Look! A spot just for you! Merry Christmas” Think your boyfriend could stand to lift a few extra pounds rather than eat them? I hear there are some nice deals on gym memberships this time of year. Could your girlfriend’s breath be a little fresher? Hit up Costco for a bulk pack of gum – the kind you would be willing to swap back and forth of course; winter break is long this year. Have your parents been stingy about delegating the car? Remind them of holiday spirit by giving them a spare set of keys… that would look fabulous on your own keyring.

3. Umbrella gifts – Not literal umbrellas, though I suppose there’s nothing wrong with those either. Umbrella gifts are for people who tried, really tried, to come up with something personal, but either failed, ran out of time, or burned down their kitchen in the process. Thus the need for gift cards. If you’re feeling ambitious, you can even pick out a certain store for the gift card, but visas work just as well. These gifts recognize that you’re thinking of someone special during the holiday season, but also that you’re hopeless in the world of consumerism. You probably stayed home on Black Friday and thrived on Cyber Monday. To each his own.

Alas, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Santa doesn’t truly exist and your friends, family, or family friends probably forgot to refill their subscription on mind reading pills. (The jury is still out on the tooth fairy.) If worse comes to worst, the best thing you can do is straight up ask the person what he/she wants. You’ll probably get a vague answer, but the point is that you tried. Best of luck, and happy shopping, North Penn.