Everyone knows that Shakespeare is synonymous with English class. Suppress your groans, friends – you don’t think Shakespeare rolls over in his grave every time you mispronounce ‘anon,’ and put dramatic pauses in all of the wrong places? Because he does; depending on the audacity of the mistake, his aggravation registers at a 2.5 on the Richter scale. North Penn has to alert Stratford-upon-Avon two weeks before students perform their soliloquies just so the townspeople have time to bolt down their valuables.

For some reason, the idea of reading “Old English” bums many of you out. This is certainly understandable as proven by a very well-known example of such writing:

“Hwæt! We Gardena in geardagum, þeodcyninga, þrym gefrunon, hu ða æþelingas ellen fremedon.”

Before anyone assumes I just slammed the keyboard around a few times and called it “great literature,” the line above is from the opening verses of Beowulf, which, for the record, is written in Old English. Much to the dismay of twelfth grade AP students, the poem has been translated into Modern English, coincidentally the preferred modus operandi of one famous William Shakespeare. So hate Old English all you like – even the Anglo-Saxons developed nasty headaches every once in a while just from speaking it. Now all you need is a better reason for hating Shakespeare.

When it comes down to it, Shakespeare is responsible for creating many of the words we use today. ‘Selfie’ appears in Hamlet, and Macbeth twerked it till he werked it all over those Scottish highlands. Despite this slight (and by slight I mean complete) exaggeration, Shakespeare is still to thank for ‘swagger,’ ‘fashionable,’ and ‘gossip.’ Relatable to almost anyone reading I’m sure. Think about how lame fight scenes would be without the words to describe throwing an “elbow,” scratching an “eyeball,” or “besmirching” thy enemy’s name.

Speaking of thine enemies, consider the potency of Shakespearean insults. He coined the first “yo-mamma” joke in Titus with the line, “Villain, I have done thy mother.” There’s no sugar-coating this delivery, paving the way for a subculture of laughable mother defamation. Needless to say, Momma Shakespeare was very proud of little Billy. Coriolanus shuts down the haters who hate and the fakers who fake by explaining “They lie deadly that tell you have good faces.” In other words, you are U-G-L-Y and your alibi has been busted. My personal favorite comes from Much Ado About Nothing, in which Shakespeare delivers the classiest STHU ever spoken: “I wonder that you will still be talking. Nobody marks you.” No one is paying attention, so it’s time to stop talking and start walking. Perhaps thou ought runneth for ice to soothe thy blistering Shakespeare burns. Have at thee!

There’s so much scandal and mystery surrounding the Bard that his life was basically a grocery store tabloid without Caitlyn Jenner on the front. But even then, men had to play the roles of women so one can never be too sure. Aside from the perfect symmetry of his birth and death dates, critics question how a farm boy with a seventh grade education could become the source of confusion and awe (mostly confusion) for future generations of English students. Perhaps Shakespeare, an actor as well, took on the greatest role of his life by playing the playwright. Then there’s the untimely death of Christopher Marlow, a rival playwright. A gathering of drunk men in an Elizabethan bar late at night sure seems like a good time, but shaken (not stirred) the right way, and suddenly the ingredients for a bit of revelry become the poison for a fatal brawl. In the end, the details were hazy, Marlow was dead, and Shakespeare found himself on top… of the playacting industry that is. I don’t know how any of you will sleep tonight with such salacious information rolling around in your skulls, but there you have it. Come up with the answers as you like them.

Feeling the desire to learn more, North Penn? Don’t worry, that’s called learning, and Shakespeare certainly wouldn’t have any qualms about it. If you can’t wait until your class tackles Julius Caesar, or Macbeth, or Hamlet, the North Penn Theater is performing Shakespeare’s As You Like It on our very own stage. The show opens Thursday night, and continues Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. If not for Shakespeare, at the very least consider coming to watch out support for your friends in the show. See you there.

“Kate exits, pursued by a bear.”

– The Knight Crier’s Tale, Act III Scene iii, Line 58

*A special shout-out goes to Mr. Gillespie and his second period English class for such an interesting and inspiring conversation about the great William Shakespeare.