The content of this article is written with the intent of being facetious and lighthearted. As a Catholic myself, I look forward to the Pope’s visit and the message he delivers to the city of Philadelphia and its surrounding areas.

Mayor Nutter promised us it would be like prepping for a snowstorm. This is an accurate statement, if, of course, you believe four million people will behave like four million snowflakes. As for the rest of us less easily swayed, it’s time to lock up the children, feed the chickens, and purchase some heavy duty snow shovels because the storm is coming whether we like it or not.

The last time the city of Philadelphia had the honor of hosting the Pope for a few days was 1979, and my how times have changed. Everyone is on a mission, one could even venture they’re on a mission from God, to put their best foot forward in preparation for Pope Francis, which means Philly is trying desperately to become a more believable city of Brotherly Love.

Anyone living in the city, teachers especially, is probably familiar with the looming ‘Papal Blockade,’ a square grid within the city where cars are not allowed to park. Even if your car is parked there already, it has to move. I suppose we can be grateful it’s not a triangle or something of that nature because nobody needs to connect the Illuminati with the Pope just yet. But what do you do with your car if it’s parked in the no-go zone? Never fear! I’ve put some serious thought into it, and I’m prepared to share my musings:

1. Hire a professional painter to blend your vehicle into the background. But just like the invisible Batmobile, you better remember where you last parked it or this could be awkward.
2. Take your car to a body shop so they can trick it out into the Pope Mobile and officials will think he has just stopped for a cheesesteak (one whiz wit, in case anyone is wondering).
3. Create a new parking lot on the roof of your building. You can tailgate and enjoy the ceremony without having to leave the comfort of your house.
4. Ship your car to a family member safely living in California where Papal Blockades don’t exist. Remember to send care instructions for your baby and collect once all the chaos is over.

So now that your car is out of commission, the obvious proceeding challenge is how to get around (or away – far, far away from) the city. I value physical exercise as much as the next average person, but walking all over creation does not seem to be the most practical option in most occasions. Public transportation is the logical choice…except now you must have a pre-purchased pass to board any bus, train, trolley, or subway. The city has shot down our choices before we’ve even considered them, but if you find yourself in a pickle, here’s what you can do to keep the city on its toes:

1. Invest in a street corner magic carpet so you can fly over backed up traffic. Just because the designer label falls off doesn’t mean it’s not real.
2. Abuse the loophole where they neglected to mention Heelies and segue-ways as prohibited modes of transportation.
3. Walk your bike through the Papal Blockade quickly so it feels like you’re riding it even though you can’t. Scooters are allowed though (I think).
4. When in doubt, just call upon the wings of the Holy Spirit to lift you above the rest. It can’t be held to a schedule though.

Now that we have an escape plan, we need to eat, right? Stay away from Geno’s and Pat’s because of the potential Pope sightings, but to keep us in the spirit of the event, here are some foods to stock up on before the masses have descended:

1. Start off your day with Pope-tarts because a balanced breakfast is the key to survival.
2. For lunch, search out your nearest Chipopele where you can overwhelm your taste buds with the newly inspired “Holy Burrito,” as in “Holy burrito Batman, that is spicy.”
3. If you’re feeling the need for a snack, you can never go wrong with popping a bowl of your favorite popecorn for strength in your time of hunger weakness.
4. To end your day, the perfect choice is a healthy meal of all-you-can eat loaves and fishes, courtesy of our good Lord.

Hopefully now everyone feels better equipped to deal the oncoming Popemegeddon. The best we can do is ride it out and be grateful for such close seats to a historical event. But North Penn, if this really is a snowstorm of papal proportions, we’ll still humbly accept a day off for reflection and emotional shoveling.