There are a certain set of unspoken guidelines for teenage girls that I am now going to reveal to you, my Knight Crier audience. As a teenage girl myself, I’ve noticed a strange phenomenon occurring around the halls of North Penn: not all girls seem to be familiar with the Rules. I’d always thought that on a girl’s thirteenth birthday, some neuron in the brain began firing and an instinct to naturally follow the Rules would kick in. Fearing that this neuron never began firing for some poor souls, I felt it my honorable duty to inform these girls of the Rules myself.

So for all you poor souls out there and for all you males wondering why girls act the way they do, the following list represents the scared Rules that all teenage girls must follow:

1. Never, ever go to the bathroom by yourself. Actually, never go anywhere by yourself. If you’re not surrounded by your friends at all times, how can you expect to feel comfortable?
2. When talking to a friend, it’s okay to talk at the same time. It doesn’t really matter if you’re hearing what she’s saying, as long as you get out what you have to say.
3. Plan for prom at least six months beforehand.
4. It’s okay to talk about other girls behind their backs, because they’re probably talking about you too. (Side note: trash talking a friend is risky, but can be done if you’re confident she’ll never find out. Make sure to show her no sign of trouble.)
5. Stick to your group of friends. Straying outside of the group with make you a traitor and letting in new members will make you an outcast.
6. Leggings can in fact serve as pants.
7. Wear as little clothes as possible, but do it tastefully.
8. Complain about your weight, your face, your hair, your nails, or just complain about life in general when you run out of other things to talk about; everyone can relate.
9. When talking to a member of the opposite sex, always act somewhat interested, even if you’re not. You’ll kill two birds with one stone: you’ll make others jealous and you’ll have a backup prom date.
10. Always remember that, “guys don’t make any sense,” and repeat this phrase over and over when someone comes to you with boyfriend troubles.
11. Never act too smart around members of the opposite sex, being dumb is cute.
12. Blame everything on PMS, even if you’re not even close to “that time of the month.”
13. If you have a significant other, make sure everyone knows about it with constant Facebook status updates including lots of hearts.
14. False modesty is key.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, never, ever leave the house without your cell phone and chapstick.

I sure do hope you found these Rules to be enlightening. If you follow these fifteen steps, you’ll be a regular teenage girl in no time.

WARNING: These Rules are for TEENAGE girls ONLY. To all those twenty-something’s out there, it’s time to start acting your age and show some maturity and independence.