TOWAMENCIN- The North Penn High School theatre department is now announcing open auditions to find somebody fit to play the role of Princess Winnifred. The ideal candidate would be either male or female, with either incredible vocal talent or none at all, as long as they meet one requirement: they must be able to feel one single pea beneath twenty mattresses.

“At first, we thought we were going to be able to just cast anybody,” said theater director Mrs. Andrea Roney, taking a break from calling every mattress store in the area to seek donations. “But after a while, it became clear that it was going to take a kingdom-wide—or at least school-wide– search in order to find the right person for the part.”

Auditions will consist of only one part, during which those auditioning will lie down atop a stack of mattresses for nine hours and attempt to get a good night’s sleep. The first person to complain of a lump in the bed will be added to the cast immediately, less than a month away from Mattresses’ opening night on April 28th.

“Even though the person who is eventually cast will have to catch up with over two month’s worth of rehearsal time, I don’t foresee a problem, considering he or she will not be acting,” said Roney. “Genuinely having your sleep disrupted by one of nature’s smallest vegetables- you just can’t make that up.”

Current cast members seem to be sensing the growing panic surrounding the princess problem. When asked for comment, senior Stephen Sokolowski, who plays King Sextimus, seemed unable to speak and instead pantomimed something about a girl and a flower.

In order for auditions to run smoothly, the theater department is in urgent need of roughly 24,000 mattresses. So far, Sleepy’s has agreed to donate 2,000, but donations are still needed from the general public in order to close the 22,000 mattress gap.

“If every North Penn student could donate around eight mattresses, the auditions would go off without a hitch,” said Roney, who also mentioned that a truck would be coming around to every student’s house to retrieve any contributions.

And as to where over 20,000 mattresses are going to fit, exactly?

“Let’s just say that we will be making use of every inch of school grounds,” said Roney. “Hopefully the weather will cooperate.”

Auditions are set to begin on Saturday, April 2nd, and end on Monday, April 4th. Those interested should report to F41 promptly at 5:00 am. It should be noted that if a princess is not found by the end of auditions on Monday, all North Penn students will be given passes excusing them from classes, homework, extracurricular activities, and family responsibilities in order to attend a mandatory twelve hour audition.