Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears… because this week I’m breaking down language to the nitty gritty. Most languages that we hear and speak today are descended from Latin, but as everyone knows, Latin is dead and Americans are lazy. So in a bizarre union between etymologies and negligence comes an entirely new sect of inane verbiage spoken by the apathetic youths who care more than they pretend to admit. But for those who aren’t savvy with the pretentious amount of SAT lingo I just dropped, (jargon of the elitist English nerds if you will,) I’m talking about slang – the hand slapping, glance swapping, ideal hallway communication method of high schoolers all across the country.

As I am one of those people who spends an obscenely embarrassing amount of time on urban dictionary for someone under the age of thirty, I figured there had to be some sort of ingenious hack to keep up with the cool kids.

There isn’t.

Instead, I have a charming compilation of slang words that, for some inexplicable and entirely unintentional reason, can be separated into a vague assortment of categories for the rest of us mere mortals to try to understand.

This first category is probably the easiest to pick up on and relates perfectly to the idea that kids today are just lazy af. In fact, that’s an example right there. I know what you’re thinking, but it really does not stand for ‘as farmers.’ A majority of slang that kids toss around is just an abbreviation or acronym of the actual word or phrase. ‘Sus’ stands for suspect, or suspicious. The same goes for ‘sketch,’ as in, your future starts to look a little sketch if you start drinking your science experiments in fifth grade. When you hear someone shout “bae!” in the hallway, it’s not that teenagers have suddenly developed an irritating affinity for the ocean’s murkier cousin. ‘Before all else’ just happens to conveniently pass for a real word when in acronym form. It’s used to describe boyfriends, girlfriends, best friends, and Chipotle.

Then you have slang descended from memes. Before I continue, memes are senseless internet generated images and phrases that kids have a fondness for revamping and redistributing depending on their purpose. We have Instagram to thank for #goals, which has been used to describe anything you remotely want to aspire to, literally or ironically. It has become absorbed into our daily conversations sans the hashtag, but it still more or less means the same thing. Such is the origin story of ‘what are those?!’ which began as a Vine and attacked shoes. I think it is safe to say that ‘what are those?!’ has transcended the victimizing of poor shoe game to include anything deemed as ridiculous as the people who say it. Soon we’ll have an epidemic of ‘who are you?!’ and memory counseling.

The next category seems harmless, but that’s why it’s so savage towards people who don’t understand it. Normal, everyday words and phrases take on a negative connotation when used with the right inflection. If you’re ever stopped by a “girrrrrrrl, you drawling!,” it’s not because the confronter thinks you’re artistic. You could have your colored pencils firmly in hand, but that’s still not what it means. It’s the 2015 equivalent of “girrrrrrrl, you tripping!,” and if you have to ask, then you’re definitely tripping alright… on your face. Then there’s ‘out of pocket,’ which I’ve always taken to mean as a method of payment. My generation would beg to differ. I’m out of pocket for even considering that, because when you’re out of pocket, you’re out of line. And why is it that every teenager everywhere is suddenly thirsty? Water fountains are in every pod! If only I were talking about water. This kind of thirst is all about hormones and desperation if you catch my drift.

Finally there’s the slang that has no foundation. It is merely the product of an intense situation. For example, there’s no feeling more powerful than when you know your eyebrow game is slaying. On point just doesn’t even begin to describe them. I know it, you know it, so it’s time the world knows it. Thus the term ‘on fleek’ is born. It typically describes eyebrows, but people have been branching out, using it to give voice to happenings usually too great for words. But the new word sparking some hot interest is ‘lit.’ While it technically is already an actual word, lit is an adjective of epic proportions. It’s used to describe an event or thing that’s ‘turned up,’ or ‘popping,’ as in, “This week’s edition of Kate’s Korner was so lit! I can’t wait to read more next week!” Stay tuned, North Penn. And keep it lit.