It is, without a doubt, the most important experience of your entire life. Nothing holds a candle to it – not your wedding day; not the birth of your first child, or for that matter, the births of consecutive children; not your graduation from high school, college, or subsequent schools of higher education that you will undoubtedly attend because no one really ever graduates college once – none of it. This affair of course, is Prom Night.

Now I’m not talking about junior prom; no, that’s just a measly stepping-stone for juveniles towards the zenith that is Senior Prom. The necessity of ensuring perfection in both preparation and execution is something that should plague the mind of every socially conscious senior starting in about mid-October. In fact, I’d recommend beginning a rigid diet and exercise program as early as August – let’s face it, no one wants to have to worry about excess flab, especially as it relates to the ladies as dresses run tight and skimpy. As for securing a suitable date, both males and females should be on the hunt as soon as the school year kicks off, as competition is fierce and the right guy or gal on your arm adds to the magic of the evening. Making a list of your options is generally the best route, although for those procrastinators out there, giving the escort of your dreams an ultimatum such as, “Take me to the prom or I’ll make it so they never serve Max Sticks again,” is a sure way to sway them in the desired direction: straight for the ticket line. However, traditionally the guy asks a girl in an overly cheesy, I mean, romantic way that the girl will then brag about to all her Facebook friends in a status with lots of hearts and exclamation points and an accompanying picture to provide the necessary visual. Thus, if you are a female using the ultimatum method, you may want to tag on a motivational threat such as, “Make it cute or I’ll turn down the freezer in the Cookie Corner so that Knightwiches become even more difficult to bite into.” Then you too will know the joy of flaunting a private moment to the thousand or so of your closest friends who will read your status with envy.

Some people out there have the fantastical idea that looking like a million bucks doesn’t have to cost a million bucks. Well I’m here to tell you that this notion is completely and utterly false. If you want to look the part, your wallet’s going to have to shed some pounds along with your waistline. Of course this money could be spent towards other things, but every dime you spend towards prom is a dime well spent. Yes, it only lasts but one night – oh, how I wish it could last eight like Hanukkah festivities – but this one night will be remembered and cherished for the rest of your life. Even if you were to get in a tragic accident and lose all memory capabilities, nothing can ever destroy those precious pictures saved on your computer’s hard drive of you looking so dapper with your date by your side.

Notice my use of the word, “dapper.” That’s a fairly difficult adjective to live up to, but it’s nothing money can’t buy. It goes without saying: you must be tan, to a crisp preferably. The American Cancer Society may disapprove of tanning booths, but clearly, this is the most effective way to ensure your skin glows with that longed for orange fluorescence. Ladies, just make sure your skin tone doesn’t clash with your dress – and, for that matter, that your date’s choice of tie doesn’t either. By the way, ladies, do not hesitate to go all out on your prom dress: the bigger, flashier, and pricier, the better. To guarantee originality, buy early and post a picture of your dress immediately on Facebook; this way, if anyone dawns a dress that looks even slightly similar to yours, she will be the one looks bad because everyone will know you laid claim to that style first.

Properly prepared, half the battle of making your prom night as spectacular as it deserves to be has been won. Girls, you will need to rise before the sun the day of to get yourself dolled up; boys, you’ll need about half a day to do this. Once again, spare no expense on hair and nails, this goes for both sexes – men, man up and get a manicure. Pictures must be taken prior to departure in the stretch limo that will take you to the location of the dance, and it is crucial you chose the right people and the right location for this photo shoot. When you upload these pictures to Facebook, you want all the “likes” you can get. Let this be a warning, however, you will likely spend the greater portion of your evening with this is the group of people. So although you may want to get pictures at Betty’s house because the same company that landscaped Oprah’s yard landscaped her backyard, make sure Betty’s not a (fill in the blank with your choice of derogatory term here). Although you should stay loyal to the group with whom you arrived, mingling at prom is encouraged. Act as if you’re running for political office, warmly greeting and complimenting those you see, shaking hands and hugging where appropriate. Prom professionals have planned this event, so my guess is the event itself will run its course smoothly. And afterwards – well, keep your head so as to remember everything in the morning, but have enough fun so as to have something worth remembering. 

Golden is the road that leads to that night on which you will dance among sparkling lights and even more luminescent gowns and accessories. Cherish both the means and the end, for the entire process is more pivotal than the college and job application processes combined and the fruit more sweet – no pressure though.